I'll Be Alone for Christmas

*Quick life update: In 2019, I got a job teaching drama in Suzhou, China. At the start of 2020, when Covid was barely a blip on the world's radar, I went home to Kodaikanal, India for (what I thought) would be just a few weeks. To cut a long story short, I couldn't get back to China, I was let go from my job, and I got a new job as an English teacher in Madaba, Jordan, in 2021. 

**Original post date: January 9, 2022

I didn't plan to be alone for Christmas. The plan was to go home after a hectic 5 months teaching English at a school in Jordan. After getting fully vaccinated, I had a wary but fairly optimistic belief that the worst of the pandemic that had wreaked so much chaos across the world would finally be over. I'd booked my tickets home for Christmas way ahead of time, I'd bought Christmas gifts for most of my friends and family, and I was ready to go home for some much-needed time with family. And then Omicron happened. 

Traveling home became more risky. My one-year-old nephew was at home and unvaccinated. I was worried I would lose my job (again). Travel guidelines were going crazy with horror stories of long lines in airports and chaotic procedures. All of these things made me decide not to travel and instead spend Christmas away from family for the first time ever. It wasn't an easy decision. But I knew it was the right one. 

I was then faced with the prospect of Christmas alone. Sure, there were going to be other teachers around. There were a few students around too - many of them from China. I could sympathize with their plight - having spent almost a year trying to get to China, I knew that procedure wasn't an easy one. But it wasn't the same. All my Christmas traditions ran on a fairly predictable cycle: I'd spend time with family - I'd get tired of family time and spend some time hiding out in my room - I'd miss my family and come downstairs again - I'd need a break and run away for some friend time in the woods, and so on. I had no idea what Christmas without this cycle could look like. 

I spent the first few days traveling with friends. And then, once I came back to my apartment on campus, I spent a few days in bed with Netflix and a cat that meowed consistently outside my balcony door in a determined effort to get milk.  Although I had planned to be a nice neighbour and have the students over for a meal or two, I found out they had been taken to Aqaba. Instead, I wallowed. Between bouts of wallowing, I managed to go shopping, see the new Spiderman movie, and put up my Christmas tree. 

Putting up the Christmas tree was a new experience. I'd always had someone else around when I did this. That made the process a little more challenging. Putting up fairy lights, for example, became more challenging when I had to wind them around the tree by myself. They were too long, my hands were too short, and I lacked the requisite hand-eye coordination to wrap the string of lights around without tangling myself in it too. Once I'd put up all the ornaments I had, I realized that I hadn't bought enough. Not only that, the fairy light string which had seemed so long was not long enough to wrap completely around the tree. All this left my tree looking ratty and unfinished, like a postcard for Christmas Interrupted. 

Come Christmas Eve. I was all by myself in my building. Things didn't feel too different. I was still in bed. I'd watched (and re-watched) several movies and shows including the new season of The Witcher, season 1 of Bridgerton, Love Actually, The Holiday, and (perhaps to offset all the Christmas feels) a few episodes of The 100 and the latest apocalyptic film, Don't Look Up. It had been raining on and off for a few days, and stepping outside felt like I was being poked with icy pokers. I'd made plans to go out and buy something to eat, something ... Christmassy. But going out in the cold felt like too much of an effort. So instead, I made instant noodles for lunch. When it came to dinner, I had a brain wave. What could get more Christmassy than hot chocolate? 

With a little jugaad, an extended excavation of my kitchen cupboards and my fridge, and the discovery of marshmallows bought a few months ago, I finally had a cup of the richest, most delicious hot chocolate that a hodge-podge of cocoa, cinnamon, milk and some dark chocolate from the hidden recesses of my fridge could make. I had candles to light, fairy lights in a small glass vase and a couple of macarons for the picture (although after the hot chocolate, I couldn't take more sugar, so I didn't eat them). After a few sips, I was belting out Christmas carols, "Bohemian Rhapsody", "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and a few other karaoke classics in an hour-long session of home karaoke. It almost felt like Christmas Eve, but not quite. 

On Christmas Day, I was done trying. There was no recreating the laziness that usually followed the whirlwind of social time I usually had in Kodaikanal. Or the family TV binge watch of a new show (usually recommended by my brother-in-law). Or the scrounging for Christmas leftovers that would be creatively combined to create an interesting mix of random flavours. So I found a great discount and checked in to a hotel at the Dead Sea. It was warmer than Madaba, but still quite cold. It was peaceful, since there were hardly any people around. There was one heated (but deep) pool inside the spa, where I spent a chunk of my time trying not to drown. I found chicken curry and rice and a waiter from Bangladesh. It wasn't Christmas, but it was ... something. 

To sum things up, here's what I learned from the experience.

1. Don't expect it to feel like Christmas. Yes, your tree will probably look like crap - but with the right camera angles and a lot of candles, you can salvage it. Yes, instant noodles doesn't exactly scream Christmas. But if you're ready to compromise a bit, you can still have a few moments that make you 'feel' the season. 

2. Don't underestimate the power of Christmas karaoke - or karaoke in general. Although, keep in mind that you probably would have to pretend to the world that it was after a lot of alcohol that you did a Bridget Jones and started belting out "All By Myself" (when in reality, you should blame it on the sugar). 

3. Don't be afraid to do things that are notably not Christmassy. Spending Christmas Day in a swimming pool and having a tasty dinner alone in a crowded dining room (while listening to an audio book) isn't a normal Christmas. But that doesn't stop it from being fun. 

4. Sometimes, playing it safe doesn't pay. After all of my precautions, I took my routine Covid test after returning after the holiday only to find that I had tested positive. 

A Movie Watchlist to Cure Your Wanderlust, aka the Covid Movie Playlist

 In a strange twist of fate, after years of staying put in India (aside from my brief 5 months teaching in China), it took a pandemic and the subsequent lockdown for me to discover my wanderlust. Granted, I am one of the lucky ones. In Kodaikanal, where I live, I have space that I can walk in, a room of my own and plenty of green things to look at, not to mention that at this time, everyone I know is safe and healthy. But I still haven't been able to shake the urge to go somewhere - a beach, another set of mountains, snow, street food, all things of a simpler and less sanitized past. 

Now, considering that Covid still poses a clear and present danger to most of our normal activities, I've decided to come up with a list of movies to watch to cure me of my impractical and impossible desire to travel and go on international (or heck, even national) adventures. 

1. Hostel (2005)

It took me a long time to work up to seeing this one. With its gruesome scenes of torture and my desire to stay in hostels in Europe at some point in my life, it seemed like the movie to 'drill' through my plans in every sense of the word. This horror flick that has been described as torture porn is the story of a group of young people on holiday who end up being captured by an underground sadist group and subjected to inhuman treatment. This one tops the list for me, making me pretty damn thankful to be unable to travel.

2. The Hills Have Eyes (1977 and 2005)

Although hitting the road in a travel trailer sounds like the perfect way to take a Covid-proof holiday (albeit not very possible here in India), that will definitely be off the list after watching either version of this film. The story of a family and their dogs being systematically targeted by a group of deformed killers has been hailed as a cult classic, but it's bound to make you pretty damn thankful for your walls and all the surrounding houses.

3. The Berlin Syndrome (2017)

I discovered this while scrolling through options on Amazon Prime. It's a somewhat typical story of a holiday gone wrong when a young Australian woman is locked in a room by a sociopath. Over a few months, she is his prisoner. It might seem strange to include a film about being trapped in an apartment (a feeling that's all too familiar for many people around the world in 2020) in this list. But some of the film's most poignant moments come from the main character's discovery of beauty in the most mundane and unexpected sights, rediscovering spaces that have often been overlooked in favour of the Instagram-friendly picturesque views we search for on our holidays. Not to mention that it definitely removes any latent desire to stay with people I've just met while on holiday.

4. The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

A film that tells the story of a group of holidaying teenagers who are subjected to several zombie attacks orchestrated by a shadowy government(?) agency, this self-aware horror story has every trope from cautionary holiday tales, from the obligatory warning from strangely hostile locals to in-your-face foreshadowing. But, more importantly, at a time when we're essentially being told that staying at home could prevent the end of the world, The Cabin in the Woods has apocalyptic consequences that could have been stopped had the adventurous group of teens just stayed at home. So bonus points for the public service messaging.

5. The Shallows (2016) / Open Water (2003) / All shark movies

By all rights, I should probably include Jaws here. But somehow, I found these two movies even more terrifying. The Shallows narrates a classic holiday gone wrong story, where a surfer is attacked by a shark and then has to fight to survive. I watched The Shallows a little before going on holiday in Sri Lanka and, needless to say, I didn't get in the water. The iconic image of a giant shark shadow in the wave was enough to make me stick to swimming pools and beachside cafes. It also ensured that I wouldn't ever EVER (if travel is ever possible again) go to a deserted beach without telling at least 10 people beforehand. 

Open Water, with its realistic shooting style and surprising ending, had a different kind of terror. Referring back to Jaws, one of the most terrifying moments is when Quint describes the harrowing experience of surviving a ship sinking only to see hundreds of fellow survivors get killed by sharks. Open Water takes a similar scenario, where a young couple is left behind when they go diving. The following events where they are attacked by sharks and jellyfish is genuinely terrifying. The fact that the film is based on real events, where a couple disappeared after being left behind by their boat crew, makes me question whether I really need to venture out in the open water. 

6. NH10 (2015)

For some bizarre reason, this road trip horror film was our family Christmas movie a few years ago. The film is about a young couple who go on a road trip and end up getting entangled in a horrific honour killing case after they attempt to help a young woman. The film is full of suspense, well-executed twists and showcases a great performance by its star, Anushka Sharma. Additionally, it takes away any desire to hit the road with your significant other, if only to avoid violent attacks.

7. San Andreas (2015)

Although it is generally classified as a disaster movie, when viewed from the perspective of the two British sidekicks on holiday, it definitely makes visiting any earthquake-prone areas less appealing. San Andreas is a classic big-budget disaster film, complete with earthquakes, a dam collapsing and a tsunami. It also introduces the viewer to a new kind of extreme sport - tsunami boat rides! That being said, although the Brits did get a chance to hang out with Alexandra Daddario, I'd say the other events on their vacation makes travel a little less appealing. 

Honorary mentions should include other disaster films like The Day After Tomorrow, Dante's Peak and 2012 and The Poseidon Adventure (the last two made me swear that I wouldn't EVER go on a cruise). 

So there you have it. These might be films you've watched already - if you haven't, they make great rewatches once you've exhausted all other options. In the meantime, let's focus on staying positive (but not for Covid), staying at home as much as possible. To quote Samwise Gamgee, "Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines out, it will shine out the clearer." So here's hoping we get to shelve the travel horror stories soon and get back to seeing the world without risking our lives.